Inspiration: Dorie Greenspan.

What's This Doing In Here? (2014), Teresa Foote. Digital photograph & illustration.

For those of you who don't already know, Dorie Greenspan is a petite author of cookbooks. She is revered by both chefs and at-home bakers, because her recipes are fun to make and always get compliments. Here's a little secret: those biscotti I make that you love so much? All adaptations of Dorie's recipes in Baking: From My Home To Yours. I was reading her story in the latest issue of Lucky Peach magazine, and she had this to say (on being lucky):

"I was a secretary, I was a salesgirl, I was a substitute teacher, I went to graduate school and I worked at a research center. I didn't start working for a food magazine until I was in my thirties. I loved baking; I loved cooking; but I had no idea it could be a career. And it really wasn't, for women. My mother said to me, "If you were a nurse, people would know what you do." When I worked at the research center, I could never explain to people what I was doing. And the idea of food writing—that needed a subtitle, too."

--Dorie Greenspan, What Would Dorie Do? Lucky Peach No. 13, Winter 2014

I love reading about how my favorite people came to be who they are. Y'know, it's just not simple to recognize what each of us was put on the planet to do. Here we are, milling about. Most days, it seems like we are wasting a lot of time. I told my mom once that I think we get more fearful as we age, because we try things and get hurt, or we witness people around us trying things and getting hurt, and we just start crossing things off of our to-do lists. Like when your parents tell you the city is "too busy" for them, so, they won't meet you at the museum. Or when they stop driving at night, because it's dark and they can't see as well. The whole practice seems wise at first, but eventually it can slow us to a grinding halt. No more new experiences.

I don't know when I lost my courage, but I did for a while. Our little spirits can only take so many criticisms, so many rejections, suffer so many losses. I lost count of how many jobs I applied for over the last 10 years; how many interviews I got excited about, only to be disappointed later. At first, you think "it wasn't a good fit for me." Eventually, you might start thinking "I don't fit in anywhere." You lose the light, there is very little keeping you going. You are a wonky ol' tetrahedron, and all of the open doors are rectangular, one-dimensional.

Even asking for help can become daunting at times like these. What if they don't understand? What if I owe them something in return? What if I can't repay them? Again, we may have tried it before and gotten hurt, and it makes sense that we are apprehensive about doing it again.

In therapy, I rediscovered my value. In the creative process, I found my courage. I don't know if I would call it "luck," because it all feels like hard work, but there was probably some luck involved. What I'm getting at here, is that even the people in the world who seem like they were touched by some kind of magic, or made a deal with a leprechaun, or are so "in-tune" with the universe...I'm pretty sure even those very special people experience all of these other things: fear, doubt, the blah-ness of it all. Living "the dream" probably always feels like it is living "against all odds." That's why we call it a "dream" right? It's not realistic.

So when I read something like what Dorie said, it makes me think that anything is possible, in a way. We all have a journey. We all have a purpose. It can be tricky or painful to dig deep and figure out what that purpose is, and we try to wear all types of hats that don't really suit us along the way (and there can be a lot of pressure to make a hat fit that just doesn't), but once we find our gift, things will fall into place.

(I hope.)